when i was young, i went through a very traumatic event. (it was my abusive fathers death from a heart attack, within the same month [or maybe the month following?] that my mom divorced him. she divorced him because he had hit her for the first and last time. she had put up with so many horrible forms of nonverbal abuse for so, so many years, but that was where she drew the line. we left the house with 20$ and the clothes on our backs. we lived at my grandmothers house for a while. eventually we got a restraining order on my dad and got back into our own house. mom divorced him soon after. i had visitation with him once or twice before he died. it felt like i was sharing a house with an alien.) because of that, i can't remember anything from before that time. i'm missing half of my life. i'm told i was "ebullient." i don't know for sure.

i'm also told that i was never anxious or depressed before my trauma. i don't know anything else, so i believe them. after my trauma, i became an entirely new person. my personality changed completely, and i developed several mental illnesses i'd had no sign of before. it was like when i lost my memories, i'd lost who i was.

people tell me i used to be good at talking to people. i don't understand it. i try now, and my mouth dries up. i stutter and stumble. i come away from it crying, shaking violently, and nauseated. i haven't talked to someone my age in so long. i forgot how long, exactly. two years, at the least. my memory's gone to garbage, too. i think things, and then forget them literal seconds after. so i've started writing everything down. i didn't do it today though. or yesterday, i think. i can't remember. that's pretty ironic, isn't it? but the point is. i started (trying to) write everything down that i did in a day. what time i woke up. what i ate that day. i don't think it's helping that much. if anything at all, i can tell you what i ate yesterday and the day before that, i guess. does it matter? i don't know.

a while ago, (a few days ago, maybe? i can't remember anymore. it might've been just this morning. or, yesterday morning. yeah, i think that's right) i thought to myself, yes, i am a new person. yes, my trauma did change me completely, in memories, personality, mental being, etc. everything. i am a completely different person, and i will never be the person i was before ever again. but this is okay. this person is good, and this person will be happy. maybe not today, but someday, definitely.

how did i do that? i want to do that again. it was nice, i think.

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i wonder what today will be like.

i hope it will be good. i don't know if i feel like going to locals tomorrow. i'm very tired. then again, as i write this, i haven't slept. i really haven't slept properly in weeks, but, y'know. who's counting? i don't even know how long ago 10 days was.

is that okay? i hope it is. she always gets onto me for having no sense of time. it's entirely my own fault, i guess.

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the feeling of a cat purring while it lays on you while everything is peaceful and fine is the most wonderful in the world.

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i slept in until practically 6 pm today. i'm very disappointed in myself.

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will i be able to keep this up?

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