i am too literal-minded. that is bad. is it bad? i cant tell anymore. because i am traumatized and i cant think like a normal human being, or even a semi-normal human being, i think far differently from everyone else. my mind is extremely literal. things have to be explained to me extensively and repeatedly. sometimes i will still not understand after this. i am literally incapable of understanding abstract concepts. is this okay? i would have to have someone tell me yes or no, or maybe, perhaps. hey, are you ready? hey, are you ready? hey, are you ready? it is very difficult for me to type correctly. keeping my hands from shaking enough to coordinate myself so i can type without making mistakes is very hard. so ive given up on doing that. at least my friends think its funny. hey... do you know me? do you know who i am? i dont know who i am. i am scared that if i make mistakes or a typo or something i will look back on this in ten years or one year or a month and think wow how stupid was i. thats scary. i dont want to look back on myself with shame anymore. i dont want to look at myself with shame anymore. i dont want to look at myself anymore. if i never had to look at myself ever again that would be nice. also if no one could ever look at me ever again. or if i could live but not exist. i dont want to be physical. i dont like having this body. i dont like having this brain. i dont want to live. i dont want to exist. i just want to have friends. i dont deserve friends. im not good enough to have friends. maybe kind enough maybe maybe good enough as a person maybe but i dont think im skilled enough to have friends i dont deserve them. i think i should at least be at a certain level of skill and be able to create amazing beautiful things like they can before i even deserve them at all. but here they are anyway, i guess.